On Tuesday we elected the first (half) black president for our great country. I voted for him, but I am beginning to think that it was a bad idea. As everybody knows, once there is a black president in the White House, a disaster is sure to follow. When Morgan Freeman was president a giant meteor hit the earth and killed Elijah Wood and his friends. When the Prudential guy was president there were like a billion attacks on the US by terrorists and only Keifer Sutherland could stop them. Now with Obama our president-elect, I fear we are in for the worst disaster yet: Zombies.

Since we cannot do anything to stop the Zombie apocalypse from coming the best we can do as a people is be prepared for when it happens. The first thing you want to consider is if you want to survive long enough to use the measures I will detail below. The thing with zombies is that the question is now “Will I survive?” but “For how long will I survive.” It is inevitable that once zombies attack everybody on Earth will succumb to their inexorable march toward world domination in the form of eating everybody. If you do not wish to live long enough to see your family and friends turn into the living dead the only preparation you must make is to purchase a gun and a bullet.

If, however, you are determined to survive as long as possible against the zombie horde there are a few actions you must not do. First, do not go to a mall or a military base or a pub or a house or a “safe zone” to wait out the undead’s hunger. All of these places will inevitably fall no matter how mighty the protection they may give seems, usually due to your fellow survivors’ stupidity. “Where else can I go?” you may ask and I do not have the answer for you, I just know where you shouldn’t go. If your location does not fit one of the four descriptions given above you should be ok.

Weapons are an important item to consider, second only behind sustenance. Depending on the type of zombie outbreak you are dealing with you will want to utilize different weapons. If the zombie-ness is transferable through blood contact you will want to avoid any close range encounter and will want to get a long range weapon. If the zombies of are the fast variety instead of the more traditional slow variation you will want a backup close range weapon just in case you do not effectively stop a zombie at a distance. Remember to avoid fire because the undead do not care about anything except your brains and a conflagration isn’t going to stop them from trying to get you.

Although the temptation to join a small gang and wear leather pants and ride around on motorcycles with weapons on the end of chains will be high, I implore you to consider taking the lone ranger route. The biggest liability you will face after the zombies attack will be your companions. You will consistently have to slow down for them or venture into dangerous situations because one of them had a nervous breakdown. Try not to think of this as a loss of humanity brought on by the dead rising but instead think of it as a way to harden yourself for a long-term survival strategy. The decision you will face will be the decision to either try to find your family or not. While they may provide comfort in the terrible times ahead, they will surely become liabilities and, in the end, you will probably have to kill the undead versions of them. Better to just go it alone for all of your sakes.

Now that I have told you what to not do, good luck figuring out what you actually should do. I have no idea. Perhaps I will be able to join you if you figure it out? No? Ok. Thanks anyways.