Tag Archive: funny

On Tuesday we elected the first (half) black president for our great country. I voted for him, but I am beginning to think that it was a bad idea. As everybody knows, once there is a black president in the White House, a disaster is sure to follow. When Morgan Freeman was president a giant meteor hit the earth and killed Elijah Wood and his friends. When the Prudential guy was president there were like a billion attacks on the US by terrorists and only Keifer Sutherland could stop them. Now with Obama our president-elect, I fear we are in for the worst disaster yet: Zombies.

Since we cannot do anything to stop the Zombie apocalypse from coming the best we can do as a people is be prepared for when it happens. The first thing you want to consider is if you want to survive long enough to use the measures I will detail below. The thing with zombies is that the question is now “Will I survive?” but “For how long will I survive.” It is inevitable that once zombies attack everybody on Earth will succumb to their inexorable march toward world domination in the form of eating everybody. If you do not wish to live long enough to see your family and friends turn into the living dead the only preparation you must make is to purchase a gun and a bullet.

If, however, you are determined to survive as long as possible against the zombie horde there are a few actions you must not do. First, do not go to a mall or a military base or a pub or a house or a “safe zone” to wait out the undead’s hunger. All of these places will inevitably fall no matter how mighty the protection they may give seems, usually due to your fellow survivors’ stupidity. “Where else can I go?” you may ask and I do not have the answer for you, I just know where you shouldn’t go. If your location does not fit one of the four descriptions given above you should be ok.

Weapons are an important item to consider, second only behind sustenance. Depending on the type of zombie outbreak you are dealing with you will want to utilize different weapons. If the zombie-ness is transferable through blood contact you will want to avoid any close range encounter and will want to get a long range weapon. If the zombies of are the fast variety instead of the more traditional slow variation you will want a backup close range weapon just in case you do not effectively stop a zombie at a distance. Remember to avoid fire because the undead do not care about anything except your brains and a conflagration isn’t going to stop them from trying to get you.

Although the temptation to join a small gang and wear leather pants and ride around on motorcycles with weapons on the end of chains will be high, I implore you to consider taking the lone ranger route. The biggest liability you will face after the zombies attack will be your companions. You will consistently have to slow down for them or venture into dangerous situations because one of them had a nervous breakdown. Try not to think of this as a loss of humanity brought on by the dead rising but instead think of it as a way to harden yourself for a long-term survival strategy. The decision you will face will be the decision to either try to find your family or not. While they may provide comfort in the terrible times ahead, they will surely become liabilities and, in the end, you will probably have to kill the undead versions of them. Better to just go it alone for all of your sakes.

Now that I have told you what to not do, good luck figuring out what you actually should do. I have no idea. Perhaps I will be able to join you if you figure it out? No? Ok. Thanks anyways.


I was born yesterday. Today I am twenty and some number of months, but that does not matter. Of all the times that matter in a man’s life, right now matters the least, if it matters at all. I am constantly asked what I am going to do when I get out of school or what I did to get into school or what I had for breakfast or if I want to do something later tonight. Nobody asks why I’m doing what I’m doing when I’m doing it because it doesn’t matter. It mattered when it was the future and it will matter when it becomes the past, but when it’s the present it is insignificant. So, with that in mind, I will tell you how I got here and where I will go after I leave this place.

When I was born, as I mentioned earlier, I was a baby. It tends to be that people are born as little versions of themselves and then the grow up to be regular sized versions and then shrink again until they die, if they live long enough to get that far on the eternal timeline. I was born at the very end of that timeline, the far left end where time went from a dot to a line, grew up itself from one dimension into two. I grew up with it and as it got bigger and longer I got older and more experienced. At the beginning I flew through the cosmos, trying to find a nice place to settle down and live out my life. I didn’t find one, but I did end up here on Earth. There was still a lot of lava and shit back then, not much in the way of water or life or HD TVs. It was kind of boring, but only in retrospect, as there was nothing to compare the experience to. Lava is pretty slow unless it is erupting from a volcano and we all know how often that happens. The next day there were dinosaurs and they were fun to watch. They ate each other and plants and were pretty big. Some of them swam in the ocean which appeared overnight and some of them flew in the air. I went to sleep again and they were all gone. There were a bunch of little mammals in their place and they were cute to watch. They grew almost instantly into apes and those grew again into people. Or the people and all the other animals that walked the earth at that time were just poofed there; I can’t recall which way it happened. It doesn’t matter either, they were there and they began to make towns and cities and the next day they were flying in the sky and later that day they were flying to the moon and beyond. It was like the best season of 24 ever. And now we’re here, twenty somethings later and I am writing this sentence. Next I will write the next one and then the one after that. After I’m done I’ll print it out and hand it into you, the teacher, and then you’ll read it but I’ll have forgotten about it by then. Monday you might read it out loud or you might just hand it to me with a little note on the bottom of the page that says “fun read” or “interesting” or “what a load of bullshit”. After that I’ll graduate and become a famous author or screenwriter or I’ll die in a horrible clown-car vs. hot-air-balloon crash and I might be famous from that, too. Even more likely than any of those things happening, though, is that I’ll find a person to spend the rest of my life with and we will have kids and live happily ever after, but without all of the famous stuff. Or I might never work up the courage to ask somebody I like to go out and I’ll die at home when I’m 80 with my cats and they will eat my dead body like that one time on CSI or Law and Order: Super Awesome Unit. But when that happens it will be the present for a second, and it won’t matter until it turns from the future to the past.

Artsy Epic Poem

This is reality, or is it fake? I am stuck in this avalanche, I can’t get out of it.  I advise you to spread your eyelids and lift them to the blue void to understand this. I have no money nor do I need you to feel bad about it. I can take it or leave it, plus or minus. Whatever happens means little. Even to me.

My mother! I recently murdered somebody. I purchased a projectile flinger and threatened the man. I fired the gun and killed the man. Mother! My experience had recently started but now it is already over. Mother! Oh! I didn’t intend for you to be upset. If I do not return in roughly twenty four hours, please continue with your life as it was. Continue it, pretending that everything means nothing.

The hour is late, I am no longer able to continue. I have chills along my back, and the rest of my earthly vessel hurts all hours of the day. Adios, all of you, I must leave now. I must retire from you and understand what I have done. Mother! Oh! (whichever direction the air moves) I wish to continue to live, however I sometimes pray that I had remained a non-entity.

I envision a small outline of a male human being.  Idealist! Idealist! Won’t you dance to mixture of folk and flamenco music. The gods are bowling, it scares me! A lot! Physicist! Mathematician! Astronomer! Philosopher! Tuscan! Kitty cartoon character! Quickly acquired, quickly lost. Won’t you allow me to leave?  No, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes. Negative, on no account, not at all, certainly not, definitely not, by no means, nope. Pierce, Colin, Stellan, please allow me to exit. The Devil has a demon waiting for me to arrive.

You believe you can throw rocks at me and then project your saliva into my ocular glands? You believe you can be enamored with me and then withdraw from me to depart this mortal coil? Oh young child! You are not allowed to act in this manner, newborn! I mus leave, I must leave at this moment.

Everything is meaningless, all are privy to this information. Everything is meaningless, everything is meaningless, in my eyes. All directions the air moves…

Your Mom is Fake

Here’s another Friday Writing. I think you’ll get all the context you’ll need.

Last week there was, I believe, a complaint about the Friday Writings (now with caps) being too self-referential. You didn’t actually read them, as that would defeat the purpose, but from what I gathered, the FW’s that talk about FW’s are, at least in the opinion of two of our fellow classmates, stupid. I don’t know if it was a quote when you said that they wanted to “talk about something that was real” or whether that was a paraphrase on your part. Either way, it’s pretty stupid. What makes anything worth more than anything else? There seems to be a value judgment based on whether the topic of conversation pertains to our daily lives or if it just exists in that misty realm that is everything else, aka real=worthy while not real=unworthy. I am here to tell you that both are equally worthy. What I say goes, so listen up.

After the laments of last week our beloved teacher read to us a story about a friendship on the decline. I have been through this with two people whom I counted as BFFs (best friends forever), so I have some experience in the field. The good thing is that now that our relationship is over I can make up anything I want about them. I still care about them and I wish them no harm, but since our separation I am convinced that my best friend throughout elementary school has become the last medieval knight. He roams the land and kills dragons and rescues hot damsels in distress. It’s a lot of fun for both of us. I could look him up on Facebook and find out that he is just some guy going to college like the rest of us, but what’s the point of that? It’s as real to me as the other scenario. Why not make up a fantastical story for him to live out? Cuz it’s not real? That’s a poor excuse if I ever heard one. And I have heard several, after uttering them myself.

Here’s another example for ya. I need to pad this out a bit. Every semester there is at least one teacher who does the “go around the room and tell us about yourself” routine. It’s not a bad idea, just a little overused. I propose something slightly different for your next class. Have each person say three things about themselves, but have them make up one of them. Encourage a little fun and imagination in the typical introductory period. One could say, “Hi, my name is _______. I’m a painter and I travel to Los Angeles to be an extra in films every summer. I also enjoy standing out alone in the rain,” or “I enjoy eating iPods, French fries, and bananas,” or “I am a knight who roams the land and kills dragons. I also like music and meeting new people.” Just because things aren’t “real” doesn’t mean they don’t mean things. Think on that for a second or two.