Category: funny


  • Morgan Freeman introducing Kenny Chesney is perhaps one of the most incongruous things I have ever seen. Also, Morgan Freeman steels his fashion tips from Kanye West.
  • Everybody but Craig Ferguson is horribly unfunny when presenting awards, especially when they are supposed to be funny
  • Three people in the audience knew what Led Zeppelin was.
  • If they play Watchmen at regular speed it will last for about an hour and will be half as “visionary”.
  • The RAP PACK! Get it! If you don’t get it, it’ll be in black and white to give you the full effect. But it’ll just be desaturated instead of optimized to, you know, look good.
  • Although I enjoy MIA’s Paper Planes, “no one on the corner has swagger like us” gets pretty inane when repeated over and over and over again.
  • MIA is an upsidedown lady bug or something.
  • The Grammy people feel the need to offset the awesome created by the likes of Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney by teaming them up with The Jonas Brothers and Dave Grohl.
  • Not only is Dave Grohl on the same stage as McCartney, he is taking Ringo’s place (who is still alive, by the way).
  • The Grammy people also seem to know that I am only watching for Radiohead.
  • Shiny suits of all colors are, apparently, cool.
  • I automagically tune out all country music.
  • Thom Yorke can’t not dance funny when he sings. He’s almost as bad as John Mayer’s sing-y face. Despite, or perhaps because of, this, Radiohead’s performance was freaking awesome.
  • The Grammy people know I will keep watching for Neil Diamond.
  • SAM JACKSON!
  • I feel like I could enjoy T.I. if he didn’t have that stupid hat on.
  • Obama has more Grammys than Kanye. Or something like that.
  • The words “Yes we can” said by a rich white guy is… kinda funny.
  • Smokey Robinson is still alive.
  • I generally like the songs in the commercials better than those performed in the actual show.
  • Josh Grobin: The Most Boring Man in Music.
  • Neil Diamond is still alive. And still kind of awesome.
  • Why isn’t T.I. performing with The Diamondator? He performed with everybody else.
  • Paul McCartney upstaged Diamond from his seat.
  • Bo Diddly is a great song no matter who plays it. Also, a great dude.
  • Gary Senise is a strange strange man to be on the Grammys.
  • Especially strange to be introducing Lil Wayne.
  • Those girls during the New Orleans thing are gonna have a lot of bad luck.
  • will.i.am and T-Pain. I love people with punctuation in their names. Even more-so when they have awesome hats.
  • Lil Wayne seems to be an amalgamation of a bunch of young and old people. Interesting.
  • This Bob Dylan/will.i.am commercial really ticks me off.
  • More Zooey D., please. Pretty please. Pretty pretty please.
  • Radiohead can’t catch a break. But at least Robert Plant won the big thing.
  • New Theory: if Radiohead wants a Grammy, they need to get old. Quick.
  • You can’t play out Robert Plant. It’s kind of stupid.
  • Woo. More Stevie Wonder. Hopefully he can get away without geting bombarded by Jonases again.
  • Playing commercials over Stevie Wonder seems kind of screwed up. Like playing out Robert Plant.

So, that’s all. Hope you enjoyed. I’ll update this more often now that I’m settled into a routine at school.

You are never (as in never ever ever ever) the only one. Never. Ever. You can stop writing “Am I the only one who thinks…” because you aren’t. There are millions of kajillions of people on the internet and I am sure that unless you don’t exist somebody else on it shares your sentiment. I would also ask you to remove “I’m sorry but…” from your sentence beginning repertoire. Don’t say it if you’re gonna be sorry about it before you even begin. That is all! Until next time!

And also Chanukaha and Kwanzaa and Solstice and Winter Related Celebration of Something. Or Thursday.

Also, I found out today that Leonard Maltin gave Blade Runner a 1.5 star rating. Perhaps that was just the original cut (which has a bad reputation) but that is just stupid. He is officially an idiot.

This is my final paper for my Modern English Literature class. I got an A- on the paper. I hope you enjoy it.

Opening lines are important. They can be exciting (“It was a pleasure to burn.”) or boring (“Opening lines are important.”) Sometimes the author just wants to set up where the rest of the book will take place and sometimes the author uses the opening line to set up the tone and actions of the rest of the book (“All this happened, more or less.”) A. S. Byatt’s opening line to “The Thing in the Forrest” goes like this: “There were once two little girls who saw, or believed they saw, a thing in the forest.” From this we get our two main characters (the girls) and what happens to them (they see a thing in the forest) but we get the most important piece of information from what is set off in commas: “or believed they saw”. Byatt never clarifies if they actually saw the thing in the forest or if they imagined it or if it was something in between but she does imply that it doesn’t matter if they saw it or not. They believed they saw it and that is all that matters. There is a line from the 1994 classic film The Santa Clause which says, “Seeing isn’t believing. Believing is seeing,” I think that this sentiment is what Byatt is trying to convey, and I agree with her.

There is nothing in any book that matters that says there is a difference between perception and reality. The reality of reality is that reality is relative. We see what we want to see and discard everything else. The NBA might as well not exist since I never watch it. For all I know Alice really traveled down the rabbit hole and Jonas could really receive all of the memories of the past and hold on to them for everybody else. All it takes for one thing to be real is to believe it is so and it only takes a closed mind to deny all of the different realities provide by literature and our imaginations. The thing that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom isn’t language or prehensile thumbs; it’s the ability to think of things that can never exist. As long as we continue to dream of and write new worlds and scenarios and most importantly believe in these scenarios we will be a prosperous species.

When I was an engineering student I would get dirty looks for reading a work of fiction instead of an instruction manual or blueprint because the fiction didn’t really exist and instruction manuals are useful and real. My fellow students were going to make the world a better place through sheer force. They would perfect everything and make everything easier, faster, stronger, better. They knew they could build the best mousetrap ever because they understand the world and how it works. There would be no need for fiction or stories of the future and the past and the never-going-to-happen because reality would be perfect. I yelled at them about their shortsightedness and arrogance in my head. They were being taught that only what was real mattered to their studies and I became afraid of our future. I overheard and took part in many discussions about how stupid and boring the Freshman English classes were because the world of fiction had no bearing on what was actually happening and that they were wasting precious time they could be spending learning about stress tests and load bearing beams reading stupid stories about things that couldn’t even happen! These are the kids that would get a LEGO set and build a giant box instead of an arctic base or a moon rover. A lack of imagination as a child led to the future of our society being doomed. Luckily I got out of there as fast as possible and retreaded to the happier reality of fiction.

When a good reader reads they learn as much about how the world works as an engineering student learns from a lecture. They learn about how people interact with people and how they deal with situations and how to be a good human being, even though all of the events and people and reactions are made up by the author. They can take the make-believe and believe it can be made. The unwavering belief that anything is possible as long as the believer keeps on believing is the most important aspect of life. If we can perceive anything as reality we can change reality to whatever we want. If we apply this concept to everybody on the planet and everybody that will ever be on the planet we can truly perfect the human race. We can create the best of all possible worlds through imagination and belief. We can use fiction to change reality for the better and we can use reality to create even more fantastical fiction. We can spread all ideas everywhere and give everybody the option to think about how they think things should be and we can change things.

Alright, enough of this changing the world business. That can’t really happen anyways. It’s just a pie-in-the-sky idea, taken from an idealist’s brain and translated into lofty ideas about reality and fiction. Everybody knows that only the real things matter. How much money do I really have in the bank, how much does an education really mean, how much does this essay really matter. None of it is going to change much of anything. We shouldn’t get our hopes up for a better future. In all likelihood the world will be just about the same when I die as it was when I was born. Sure, the technologies will change and there’ll be more people in the world but none of it will make much of a difference. I certainly can’t change much for myself, much less anybody else. I might as well go read an instruction book and learn how to make things work better than they do now. It’s not like a believing something can be better will actually make the thing better. Unless. Unless everybody believes in the power of belief. If everybody fully understood the power of belief and the effect it has on reality they would truly become wholly realized as human beings. We would appreciate every possible reality presented in fiction and non-fiction as being possible and we would be better for it. Even our engineers, misguided though they may be right now, could become better at what they do if they dared to dream about things that nobody dreamt of before. If they just got past the idea of “impossible” they would realize that impossible doesn’t exist. They would recognize that the only the impossible is impossible, everything else will work if you believe you can find a way to make it so.

Welcome to finals week.

Best Music Video Ever?

Is Biz Markie’s You Got What I Need the best music video ever? I think it is. Allow me to give a point by point breakdown for your enjoyment/approval.

  • It starts off with a little skit. None of this beginning with the song BS, we want — DEMAND — a story if we are going to enjoy a music video.
  • The above mentioned skit begins with a “yo mama” joke. This is 1989 and “yo mama” jokes are the height of hilarity. Hell, this is 2008 and they are still pretty funny.
  • Purple jumpsuit.
  • Gold chains.
  • “Yo mama is so old she knew Central Park when it was just a plant.” Ahh, the “yo mama” jokes that don’t even make sense. Those were the days.
  • The two girls that are the object of the boys on the bench’s attention are not exactly wearing what we would call “good looking” clothes.
  • “You got what I need, man!” “Let me touch you!”
  • “Forget them girls, man!” Is Biz an advocate for abstinence?
  • Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date/but a year to make love she wanted you to wait” Biz channels Shakespeare. And not for the last time.
  • I was talkin’ to this girl from the U.S. nation.” Was the girl before this one from the commonwealth of Massachusetts? Why does Biz feel the need to get so specific?
  • I just got onstage drippin’, pourin’ with sweat.” Uh, gross. Grosser, perhaps, is the line for line translation of song into visuals, complete with dripping and pouring sweat.
  • “Come to the picture booth/So I can ask you some questions to see if your hundred proof.” Putting aside the strange place for a conversation, let’s look closer at the “100 proof” part. According to Wikipedia: Alcoholic proof is twice the percentage of alcohol by volume when measured at a temperature of 60°F. Consequently, 100-proof whiskey contains 50% alcohol by volume. So did Biz want to know how drunk she was (50 % alcohol would be pretty drunk) or did he just not understand the proof concept fully?
  • I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah.” That’s an unfortunate name.
  • She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra/I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused.” Thanks, Biz. I think we can see this quite clearly in the video, but the narration really brings it all into focus for us.
  • Then when I asked, ‘Do ya have a man?’ she tried to pretend/She said, ‘No I don’t, I only have a friend'” Oh Biz, will you ever find the right girl for you?
  • The chorus is what takes this seemingly mundane song into the straosphere. In additon to the fact that Biz is one of the worst singers I have ever heard, he decides to play dress-up and dons a wig and some 18th centry clothes (plus cape!) to rock out on the piano. The beat drops for Biz’s “showpiece” singing and then kicks right back in as he sloughs off his super-awesome cape to really sing his heart out. They employ the special “mirror trick” to make it seem like two (TWO!) Biz Markies are rocking the piano. TWO!
  • “So I took blah-blah’s word for it at this time
    I thought just havin’ a friend couldn’t be no crime
    ‘Cause I have friends and that’s a fact
    Like Agnes, Agatha, Germaine, and Jacq” But it could be a crime, couldn’t it Biz? A crime against your heart!
  • Forget about that, let’s go into the story
    About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me” Biz is not full of himself at all.
  • Nice bathing suits!
  • Aww, a puppy.
  • Check out those cell-phones. I wish I had something as awesome as that.
  • Talk about superflouous jewelry. I guess Blah-Blah-Blah’s new guy has more money than poor old Biz with his gigantic cell-phone.
  • And we’re back to the chorus. This time his awesome, super-cool-walking servant is featured. He walks super-cool. Also, more mirroring. TWO!
  • I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm/This guy made me fill out a visitor’s form” Biz will not sacrifice his artistic integrity just to get to the point! He must share every detail of his trip.
  • Biz “dances” his way towards the school along with some brightly atired friends. With twirly sticks.
  • Yo, could you tell me where is door three?” It’s the door that has the number 3 on it. Silly Biz.
  • They showed me where it was for the moment” Although now I understand why Biz asked where it was. Apparently it changes location several times a day.
  • Oh, snap!”
  • A fella tongue-kissin’ my girl in the mouth,/I was so in shock my heart went down south” Biz should have followed his heart. A vacation to Florida is just what he needs at this point.
  • So please listen to the message that I send/Don’t ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend” So this was a PSA all along! How informative. Remember kids, never ever talk to a girl who says she has a friend. They always cheat on you.
  • That little wave thing he does at the very end is the best dance ever. In the history of all mankind, including the future history.

So, there you have it. Best music video ever. TM.


Grading the Teacher

Well, this is the end, I suppose. No more Friday Writings from your favoritest student ever. No more wit or insight, no more crazy stories. But enough about me, let’s talk about you. They say a man can be judged by his car or the books he reads/assigns-in-class. I don’t know what kind of car you drive, so I’ll go on the books you had us read this semester, starting, in the natural way, at the end.

A.S. Byatt’s five short stories were pretty excellent (although I am assuming that the last two live up to the bar the first three have set as I have not yet read them). “Body Art” is my least favorite so far, perhaps because it isn’t as fantastical as the other two, but I appreciate it. “The Thing in the Forrest” and “A Stone Woman” were great, strange yet realistically portrayed. Byatt’s style works in her favor for the fantasy stories; her prose is my favorite of the bunch.

Angela Carter’s Nights at the Circus was also a lot of fun. Fevvers and crew were very likeable and entertaining to read. I appreciated the craziness of it, especially in the last third. I really hated the design of the book, though. The font and margins were too small for me to get comfortable and made the book seem smaller than it was. I really enjoyed the actual content of the book, though, so another score for you.

Which brings us to Orlando. I had seen the film last year for something completely unrelated. I enjoyed the film (Tilda Swinton is as close as you are going to get to a man in an actress, in the best possible way), but the book was a lot better. It was funny and touching and strange and I loved it. The concept was excellent and well executed. I will be seeking out more from Woolf.

The Girls of Slender Means was another hit. I really liked the super-omniscient narrator and the characters were a lot of fun. And it was short.

Unfortunately for you, the streak ends there. The End of the Affair is the definition of a book ruined by a message. Orlando and Nights at the Circus were feminist works but they didn’t beat you over the head with it. Greene started off strong with an interesting if unlikable character. Then he turned everything stupid by making a statement about religion. Once he used the characters as plot points instead of people I checked out. Try again next time.

Ohh, another miss with A Passage to India. I can’t quite put a finger on why I didn’t like this. Perhaps it was that I didn’t care about the topic, or maybe it was that I didn’t care about anybody except Mrs. Moore. And it was long. Really long and boring.

Luckily, D.H. Lawrence rescues you from a horrible fate of ending on a bad note. None of the stories we read were as good as the other good stories we read earlier in this little paper (and later in the semester) but they were good enough. I’m not a fan of the “write exactly what people say even if the reader won’t understand it” thing that he had going on in “Love Among the Haystacks” but it didn’t hurt him too much.

I was an engineering major before I came over to the dark side of thinking about things and reading books, so I’m gonna give you a grade based on percentages:

  • % of good stories (each short counts for one): 83.3repeating
  • % of good books: 71.4
  • % of good pages: 66.1

You didn’t do so hot on the pages portion, but you did score extra points for putting all the good ones towards the end. So I’ll give you a B with room for improvement. Ways of improvement would be to take A Passage to India and The End of the Affair off the syllabus and replacing them with good things. Thanks in advance.

Your Mom is Fake

Here’s another Friday Writing. I think you’ll get all the context you’ll need.

Last week there was, I believe, a complaint about the Friday Writings (now with caps) being too self-referential. You didn’t actually read them, as that would defeat the purpose, but from what I gathered, the FW’s that talk about FW’s are, at least in the opinion of two of our fellow classmates, stupid. I don’t know if it was a quote when you said that they wanted to “talk about something that was real” or whether that was a paraphrase on your part. Either way, it’s pretty stupid. What makes anything worth more than anything else? There seems to be a value judgment based on whether the topic of conversation pertains to our daily lives or if it just exists in that misty realm that is everything else, aka real=worthy while not real=unworthy. I am here to tell you that both are equally worthy. What I say goes, so listen up.

After the laments of last week our beloved teacher read to us a story about a friendship on the decline. I have been through this with two people whom I counted as BFFs (best friends forever), so I have some experience in the field. The good thing is that now that our relationship is over I can make up anything I want about them. I still care about them and I wish them no harm, but since our separation I am convinced that my best friend throughout elementary school has become the last medieval knight. He roams the land and kills dragons and rescues hot damsels in distress. It’s a lot of fun for both of us. I could look him up on Facebook and find out that he is just some guy going to college like the rest of us, but what’s the point of that? It’s as real to me as the other scenario. Why not make up a fantastical story for him to live out? Cuz it’s not real? That’s a poor excuse if I ever heard one. And I have heard several, after uttering them myself.

Here’s another example for ya. I need to pad this out a bit. Every semester there is at least one teacher who does the “go around the room and tell us about yourself” routine. It’s not a bad idea, just a little overused. I propose something slightly different for your next class. Have each person say three things about themselves, but have them make up one of them. Encourage a little fun and imagination in the typical introductory period. One could say, “Hi, my name is _______. I’m a painter and I travel to Los Angeles to be an extra in films every summer. I also enjoy standing out alone in the rain,” or “I enjoy eating iPods, French fries, and bananas,” or “I am a knight who roams the land and kills dragons. I also like music and meeting new people.” Just because things aren’t “real” doesn’t mean they don’t mean things. Think on that for a second or two.


My latest Friday (Thursday) writing is about the LHC and what could have happened. Remember, this is for a class.

LHC


Here comes another one of those awkward personal posts.

When I was in 8th grade, I had a girlfriend. Well, kinda. The story goes like this. It was Valentines Day and they (the nebulous “they”) were selling roses for a dollar. This one girl I had a crush on, we’ll call her SB cuz I forgot how to spell her name, wanted a rose. I said I would give one to her, but I didn’t have any money. So I borrowed a buck from a kid I didn’t like, his name was Mike, and bought SB a rose. Then she hugged me and that was it. Or so I thought. I guess she got my home fone number cuz she called me when I got home. She called to ask if I wanted to go to the dance that night. Unfortunately I was an awkward 12 year old and I panicked. I told her I couldn’t go because of a “family thing”. Here’s a hint, I never have a “family thing”. Needless to say… well, I’m not gonna say it. Just guess how she reacted.

So the next day she ignored me even though we had several classes together. Then when I got home she called again. I’ll transcribe the version of the call that I remember:

Me: Hello.

Her: Hi.

Me: What’s up?

Her: I have something to tell you. But I can’t tell you. Here is some other guy.

Him: Hi. You Alex?

Me: Uh, yeah.

Him: Well, I’m going out with SB now. She said thanks for the rose though.

Me: Oh.

Him: Ok. Have a good day.

Me: You too.

I actually said “You too.” What a lame-o. Of course a second after he hung up I thought of the perfect comeback. Try this one out:

Him: Well, I’m going out with SB now. She said thanks for the rose though.

Me: Good thing I didn’t waste a dollar on her. How much did it cost you to date her?

BURN!

Man, that would have been great. But I was young and stupid. Now I’m old and slightly less stupid. Unfortunately that was my last girlfriend. It’s strange how such a non-event can change everything. Just think, if I didn’t go out with her I would be married to Jennifer Garner right now.

Next time on awkward personal post… Prom!